Bitchy Blood, Bones and Butter

Reading Gabrielle Hamilton's autobiography, Blood, Bones and Butter, reminds me about how much I prefer to find a life story about someone I don't know and who I am glad to have discovered. Gabrielle is not a nice person: for all practical purposes, left to grow up on her own from age 13 and falling into all sorts of temptations -- cocaine, grand theft auto, skimming profits from NYC restaurant where she was working underage. Ignored and cast off as a result of her parents divorce, Gabrielle flounders, attending free-form colleges and taking off for an around the world jaunt with no money, deciding she's lesbian. What's to like. She refuses to see her mother for twenty years, blaming her diabetes for her distance from her children and husband.

Yet Gabrielle can be her mother in her verbal chiding of her staff when she opens her restaurant in the City, Prune, her childhood nickname. She too eventually suffers from sugar highs and lows, lashing out at her husband, an Italian doctor who seems to have married her in a green card charade. GH idolized her parents growing up as the youngest of five in a ruin of a house on the Delaware River. Her mother pampered her and took her to all the local farms to purchase milk, fruit and vegetables; taught her how to forage for Chanterelles; always had her by her side in the kitchen where she made all things French. Her seminal memory is of lamb roasts in the back yard when her father entertained dozens and wine was cooled in the creek. Despite the hint that her father was the adulterous party, Gabrielle attributes their divorce to her mother, simply because she was the one to announce it to the children.

When she finally visits her 70 year old mother living in remote Vermont, Gabrielle vets all her pent up frustration, anger and guilt, about how niggardly her mother has become, wearing Payless shoes and holding up her socks with rubber bands. It seems she cannot write more nastily when she has an insight: "When you have some style and taste, but you don't have the cash, you brag about your "finds" from the thrift store. You sit in your chair with great satisfaction when you pull off a delicious dinner for ten people for only forty bucks, the same way my mother fed a family of seven on tails and carcasses and marrow bones. But seeing her now and how uncannily similar we are, I fear that it won't be long before I, too, am so obsessed with thrift ... How far down the path am I already if I make Prune's dishwashers nest the bowls properly ... and if I stop a cook from throwing away the onion tops ... How can it be, after all the concentrated effort and separation, how can it be that I still resemble, so very closely, my own detestable mother?"

And again: "... most people (in her childhood home town) ate frozen fish sticks .. macaroni and cheese ... and bologna, but we ate coq au vin ... and le puy lentils for less money than the store=bought stuff. Other people had rec rooms and television, but we were forced to entertain ourselves outdoors ... Other kids got ... Snack Pack puddings, but we got ratatouille sandwiches on homemade bread in oily brown paper lunch bags. And we were taught by her to see ourselves as infinitely better for our dedication to high culture. I have been trying for twenty years to rid myself of this Gallic snobbism. When I now see my ... mom pour herself a tumbler of wine cooler, the oppressive heavy wet blanket of snow slides off the roof of my soul in one giant thawing chunk and suddenly I feel clear, light and permissive."

And so she becomes emotionally reconciled to this old woman, and thereby likeable for a page or two, until the focus shifts to her own marriage. Gabrielle has visited her husband's mother's villa in July for five or six years, fantasizing about how much more lovable his mother is than hers. She lugs her two boys with her and during the last trip over as they head to the airport: "Michele and I can and do spend the entire year isolated from and unknown to each other, but as soon as we get in the car on the way to the airport, we smile at each other with a kind of bond, and we are unified, however briefly, by a nostalgia for the moment about to come July in Italy ... I don't look at him but I am fully attentive, expectant. It never ever ends how I wish it would, how I fantasize it will ... Ever since I understood that I was actually married, I have hoped for it to be everything I think a real marriage should be, an intimacy of the highest order ... I have readied myself ... for the luminous pearls of his inner life, some word from his heart, some revelation of what he thinks about or fears or loves or agonizes over, which never arrives."

When Michele reveals what he was going to say -- buying a new cell phone -- Gabrielle like her intolerant mother, shuts herself off emotionally from him for half of the vacation. It is the beginning of the end, despite her fulfilled wish of finally being able to cook for his extended family.

The book is brutally honest, revealing soul buried secrets that women only divulge to best friends after bottles of wine. Her bitchiness, her complete devotion to her career, her confused dismay of understanding generations and partners, is what makes her so unlikeable, so known, so every woman.