Still trying to get a good list of fiction about lust, passion and love, I added a few more works of nonfiction to the 2011 list. One such title, Against Love by Laura Kipnis, is described as a polemic to debate if marriage can ever meet the expectation of lifelong pleasure. Kipnis concludes it cannot and that it was only in the 18th Century with the rise of Romanticism that this belief surfaced.
In the first few sections of her treatise, Kipnis excels at using humor to pinprick societal norms. Her style is almost Swiftian, but this is no satire. By the end of the book, she compares and contrasts the failure of American marriages with the disengagement of the electorate and the disillusion of politics and politicians, especially as evidenced by the plethora of adulterous affairs of elected officials in the Nation’s Capitol in the 90s. A bit off topic to me.
But otherwise her book is so “right-on” and couple with Paz book, provides thoughts to consider when reading a fictional account of passion and/or adultery. Her putting on paper of thoughts and dialogue that married folk assume are safely locked behind closed doors or parried about mentally during long sleepless nights is as if she had emotional sonar. Perhaps the funniest section is on “Couple Linguistics 101.”
“As is true of all human languages, the language of coupledom is governed by a finite set of rules that determine what can be verbalized and how. Let’s call this couple grammar … Close observation reveals that this is a language comprising one recurrent unit of speech – the interdiction … Even if not all couples employ all interdictions, all couples employ the interdiction form, and love means voluntary adherence to them.”
She then goes on to list almost nine pages of rules, commandments and tacit conditions for survival, from letting your partner know where you are and what you’re doing at all times; how household items and chores must be taken care of and by whom and how often; TV protocols; food, dress, conversations. Anyone married immediately recognizes the universality and the stupidity of these commandments once they are put on paper.
She declares the underlying foundation for long term togetherness: “… the fundamental bargain of sustained coupledom – either individual’s autonomy or freedom of movement is of secondary importance compared to the other person’s security and peace of mind.”
But Kipnis only depicts the limits of marriage/coupledom in order to contrast it against adultery:
“Clearly the couple form as currently practiced is an ambivalent one … on the one hand, the yearning for intimacy, on the other, the desire for autonomy; on the one hand, the comfort and security of routine, on the other, its soul-deadening predictability; on the one hand, the pleasure of being deeply known (and deeply knowing another person), on the other, the strait-jacketed roles that such familiarity predicates.”
Not one to acknowledge the nuances between Paz’ red and blue flames, Kipnis I contrast writes:
“Ever optimistic, heady with love’s utopianism, most of us eventually pledge ourselves to unions that will, if successful, far outlast the desire that impelled them into being. The prevailing cultural wisdom is that even if sexual desire tends to be a short-lived phenomenon, nevertheless, that wonderful elixir “mature love” will kick in just in just in time to save the day … the question remaining unaddressed is whether cutting off other possibilities of romance and sexual attraction while there’s still some dim chance of attaining them in favor of the more muted pleasures of “mature love” isn’t similar to voluntarily amputating a healthy limb.”
I am left with the conclusion that Kipnis is politically dissatisfied with both marriage and adultery. Yet she offers no substitutes nor does she itemize what some people actually obtain from one or the other. An interesting treatise, but not a great book.
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